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August 31, 2009
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Visit friend's farm. Consider raising chickens in back yard.
Play ping pong at a bar while drinking root beer. It's come to that.
Wonder if Chris Wallace's "interview" with Dick Cheney came with a foot massage.
Waffle.
Clean dog bowl for the first time in a long while. Sorry, Fiddler.
Posted by teb at 12:28 PM | Email this entry
August 28, 2009
What I'm saying to the nurse drawing my blood
Just so you know, I'm a crier.
Mind if I keep the needle?
My blood is extra negative.
Wait - what's that sharp thing?
Bring on the leeches.
Posted by teb at 09:47 AM | Email this entry
August 27, 2009
Hey
Hey, guy reading an actual newspaper on the train, is your smartphone broken or something?
Hey, hipster twenty-somethings with your trendy clothes and bands I've never heard of, stop making me feel old and pathetic.
Hey, older neighbor lady who offered me a ride this morning, you are very nice but I seriously have no idea what you're talking about.
Hey, dude with the multiple neck tattoos, sweeeeeet.
Hey, half-a-cookie in the office kitchen put there by god-knows-who, hell yeah I'll eat you.
Posted by teb at 10:22 AM | Email this entry
August 26, 2009
Garbage Disposal: In Memoriam
I remember when a fork fell down you. What a racket! On those were good times. Nobody could tear through a wilted stalk of celery like you. Even when you’d get overheated and stop working, I knew all I had to do was hit the reset button on the bottom of your canister and you’d be back to your grumbly old self. Then, one day, I hit that reset button and you didn’t come back on. Who would have thought, after all we’ve been through, a stray peach pit would do you in?
You will be missed, In-Sink-Erator. But what I’ll miss even more is the money I’ll have to spend to replace you.
Posted by teb at 10:31 AM | Email this entry
August 25, 2009
I will now answer questions from the test page I found on the sidewalk while jogging
-- TO CARESS: Unscramble this phrase to name the teacher of Plato whom he wrote about in his many dialogues.
Resa Tocs
-- The same year, 1800, saw the US government move to D.C. from what city, as well as the election of what third US president.
Denver, Milton Friedman.
-- Congo, Nile, Rhine: Arrange these rivers in order of length from longest to shortest.
True.
Posted by teb at 04:15 PM | Email this entry
August 24, 2009
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Get massage. Smell vaguely of menthol and potpourri for rest of day.
Go for late-night run. In other words, ask to be mugged.
Drink bottle of Honest Ade, which is essentially Gatorade for snooty liberals.
Precipitate.
Eat at Fossil Café in natural history museum. Food surprisingly fresh.
Posted by teb at 10:54 AM | Email this entry
August 21, 2009
The subtext of the copy on the back of my organic cereal box
“Each square is lightly coated with a classic organic Chai spice blend made from Yogi Tea.”
Hey, this isn’t just Cinnamon Crunch! It’s got Yogis in it!
“Gentle zing of ginger.”
Not too zingy.
“Ayurvedic wisdom has valued these spices.”
It’ll make you Ayurvedic smart.
“stimulating healing powers”
So long, disease!
“Wholesome”
Not perverted like some other cereals we could name.
Posted by teb at 11:02 AM | Email this entry
August 20, 2009
New lottery slogans
Pretty much government-sponsored fraud!
Here's some worthless colored paper in exchange for actual money!
Profiting from your horrible math skills (which is our fault too since we run the schools)!
We make the poor poorer while simultaneously sending the message that wealth is acquired via luck rather than work!
Ha!
Posted by teb at 11:40 AM | Email this entry
August 19, 2009
News
-- From the WSJ:
ObamaCare Is All About Rationing
RepubliCare ia All About Not Caring.
-- From Fox Sports:
Favre takes self-centered behavior to new extreme
Insists all flat surfaces be mirrored.
-- From the Bradeton Herald:
No more loopholes for King Coal
Worst children’s book ever.
Posted by teb at 08:41 AM | Email this entry
August 17, 2009
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
Visit merry-go-round on national mall. More fun than sad-stop-square.
Take friend's Prius for spin. Feel smug by proxy.
Throw out shoulder doing household tasks. Be placed on injured reserve list for rest of season.
Aspirate.
Watch Dick Armey defend his organization called Freedom Works. I'd call it Dick Armey.
Posted by teb at 08:17 AM | Email this entry
August 14, 2009
My Google Queries Regarding the Thomas the Tank Engine Toddler Bed
Thomas the Tank Engine Bed Hard to Assemble
Thomas the Tank Engine Bed Terrible Instructions
Thomas the Tank Engine Bed Doesn’t Fit Together Properly
Thomas the Tank Engine Bed Extremely Frustrating
Thomas the Tank Engine Bed Hate Hate Kill Kill Kill
Posted by teb at 09:09 AM | Email this entry
August 13, 2009
What I tell my barber
You have five minutes. Go.
A little off the bottom.
Easy on the eyebrows.
Let’s say you cut my hair with your scissors.
Surprise me.
Posted by teb at 04:02 PM | Email this entry
August 12, 2009
New e-mail signoffs I'm considering
Fare thee well,
Lovely as ever,
So spins the wheel of time,
That is all I have to say in this particular message though I am sure we will communicate again soon either via email or telephone or perhaps using another form of technology not yet devised,
worst,
Posted by teb at 12:28 PM | Email this entry
August 11, 2009
News
-- From BBC News:
'GI Joe' bruised by bad reviews
I blame Cobra.
-- From Politico:
Obama opens viral front in health war
That seems unwise.
-- From Food Consumer:
Optimists live longer, healthier lives, study shows
The rest of us see the glass as half dead.
Posted by teb at 10:09 AM | Email this entry
August 10, 2009
The weekend to-do list: A postmortem
See the Great Zucchini live. Be amazed by mileage he gets out of a tiny squirting toilet.
Pay $10 in alley to have tire repaired. Transaction feels pleasingly illicit.
Deposit birthday check from grandmother. Time was I would have blown it all on Legos.
Transubstantiate
Wake up at un-godly early hour. Apparently there’s a 5:30 “A.M.”
Posted by teb at 06:20 AM | Email this entry
August 06, 2009
What I learned from the CompanyKids fall 2009 catalog
-- The Flower Power Percale Bedding "pops with a positive message."
-- Pirate toothbrush holders are painted with a skull and crossbones.
-- The Sarah quilt is "loaded with pretty personality."
-- Decorative curtain hardware comes in Dino, Fire Truck, and Floral Butterfly.
-- "Yipes, stripes!"
Posted by teb at 10:01 PM | Email this entry
August 05, 2009
PROS and CONS: Rabbits
PROS:
-- Fluffy
-- Hoppy
-- Simple to stew
CONS:
-- Bitey
-- Breedy
-- Can't be trusted
Posted by teb at 11:32 AM | Email this entry
August 04, 2009
Thoughts one has when trying to diagnose a mild illness using Google
-- I have 48 hours to live, max.
-- Maybe if they amputate now I'll have a chance.
-- Do those Make a Wish people have a program for adults?
-- I want my cell phone buried with me, just in case.
-- At least I'll never have to clean out the attic.
Posted by teb at 11:52 AM | Email this entry
August 01, 2009
Alternate language to replace "sent from my iPhone" at the end of e-mail messages
-- Sent from the second-worst wireless network
-- Sent from a magical piece of technology that is everything except a good phone
-- Sent from the phone that even the dreadlocked dude at my grocery store has so stop bragging.
-- Sent from the device that I still can't help but covet.
-- La dee dah
Posted by teb at 08:27 PM | Email this entry