March 28, 2006
The list of demands my advance team sends to hotels before I arrive
-- The curtains in Tom's room should not close completely. He likes to be awakened by a harsh shaft of sunlight across his face.
-- Remove the batteries from the remote control (or insert dead ones). Tom prefers to change channels the old-fashioned way.
-- If you put an alarm clock in the room, find one that's nearly impossible to set. Tom enjoys a challenge.
-- The temperature in the room should be either sweltering or arctic. Nothing in-between will do.
-- The bedding should smell vaguely of other people's sweat. Tom finds this comforting.
-- Tom likes little bottles of shampoo and very small pieces of soap. The tinier, the better.
Posted by teb at 11:31 AM | Email this entry
March 20, 2006
Cute overloaded
Cute: A sleeping kitten
Cuter: Several kittens sleeping in a basket
Cutest: Several kittens sleeping in a basket held by Reese Witherspoon
Cute: A panda
Cuter: A panda wearing a top hat
Cutest: A panda wearing a top hat and twirling a ruby-studded cane
Cute: A baby
Cuter: A smiling baby
Cutest: A smiling baby atop a miniature carriage being pulled by a team of bunnies
Cute: A button
Cuter: A little button
Cutest: A button so little that, at first glance, it appears to be a flea or a speck of dust but upon further inspection is confirmed to be an extremely small and completely useless button. But cute. Very, very cute.
Posted by teb at 09:58 AM | Email this entry
January 10, 2006
What I Plan To Embellish For Obvious Dramatic Reasons In My Own Forthcoming Memoir
From The Smoking Gun website, on evidence that James Frey, author of "A Million Little Pieces," invented much of his life story:
But during these interviews, Frey did, for the first time, admit that he had embellished central details of his criminal career and purported incarceration for "obvious dramatic reasons" in the nonfiction work.
-- An argument with my roommate over dish duty will become a heroin-fueled knife fight in some dimly lit, garbage-strewn back alley.
-- That parking ticket will now be two years in "the hole."
-- Instead of mostly ignoring me, the girl I liked in high school will be eaten by a shark while I look on in dumbstruck horror.
-- My fondness for hot tea will turn into a nasty coke habit.
-- Rather than breaking my finger while trying to squash a cricket with my shoe, I will have my arm blown off by, say, a missile.
-- Instead of following the normal rules of capitalization, I will randomly capitalize common Nouns in order to seem Artsy and Profound even though it's actually just an annoying Tic.
Posted by teb at 10:45 AM | Email this entry
November 14, 2005
What critics are saying about this post
"Starts strong and never lets up!"
"Not bad!"
"Bartlett doesn’t completely disappoint!"
"Funnyish!"
"The best collection of fake praise I’ve read this
year!"
"I LIKED THE PART IN ALL CAPS!"
"Brief!"
"I read it once! Then I read it again! It was exactly
the same!"
"One blurb after another!"
"It’s in English!"
"Pretty good, if you like that sort of thing –- which I
totally I do!"
Posted by teb at 09:18 AM | Email this entry
October 10, 2005
n d beginN
From the New York Times:
The Bible Society in Australia launched its translation of all 31,173 verses of the Bible in the language of text messages.
God: U nEd 2 sacRfiC yor son, Isaac.
Abraham: wt?
God: U hErd me. sacRfiC him.
Abraham: LOL
God: CreslE.
Abraham: n.
God: yS.
Abraham: weL … k.
God: jk
Abraham: U suk!
Posted by teb at 09:43 AM | Email this entry
September 30, 2005
Dear People of the World:
Congratulations on finally photographing me in my natural habitat! As you note in your numerous articles and television reports, this is remarkable because giant squids like me live several thousand feet below the ocean’s surface where humans like you cannot venture. But thanks to your advanced technology, ingenuity and commendable persistence you now have images of me, the largest invertebrate on Earth, alive and well and doing what I do, which is mostly eating and swimming around. Good job.
I have to hand it to you, using that bag of shrimp to lure me into view was brilliant on your part. I do like me some shrimp. Sure, it made me look a little foolish. Plus there was the whole accidentally-ripping-off-one-of-my-tentacles thing. But, hey, no hard feelings: I’m the kind of enormous flesh-eating sea monster who can take a joke. So don’t worry about me trying to exact any kind of justifiable revenge should I happen upon a member of your bite-sized species wriggling helplessly in my watery domain.
best,
The Giant Squid
Posted by teb at 10:25 AM | Email this entry
September 19, 2005
Lines written from inside the Tintern Abbey gift shop
If this,
be but a keyring: no
'tis also a pen!
And what's this I see?
a mousepad with pastoral scene;
a Celtic sticker for your car
a stuffed dragon, a gold-rimmed plate
From joy to joy I did bound
Oh wanderer! Oh fickle mind!
Yet which will truly satisfy?
Rejoice! For twas then I found
An official Tintern Abbey towel
Posted by teb at 10:42 AM | Email this entry
September 02, 2005
Scott McClellan, after hours
Q Honey, did you stop by the pharmacy like I asked you to?
MR McCLELLAN Thank you for your question. That’s not something I can get into today but we’ll check into that and get back to you at a more appropriate time.
Q What do you mean "we"?
MR McCLELLAN Again, we’ll have to get back to you on that issue. Terry, go ahead.
Q Terry? Who’s Terry?
MR McCLELLAN Right now we’re reaching out to folks with the message that we’re doing all we can. The President understands that people have different points of view.
Q Does the President understand that I asked you specifically to stop by the pharmacy on your way home?
MR McCLELLAN I don’t have anything for you on that today. Thank you. That’s all the time I have.
Posted by teb at 10:41 AM | Email this entry
August 09, 2005
Ode to an eggwich
You are warm, like the sun
though considerably less hot
Sheathed in paper, sealed with tape
Perhaps you are shy
Don't be
You are inexpensive ($1.95!)
but never cheap
At least, not to me
Egg, bread, cheese
Mayo? I decline
Perfection needs no condiment
Posted by teb at 10:46 AM | Email this entry
July 21, 2005
Brad and Franz
From Salon's personals "Catch of the Day":
More about what I am looking for: "Brad Pitt meets Kafka."
Brad: Hey.
Franz: Hello.
Brad: How are things?
Franz: Pretty good, pretty good.
Brad: What have you been up to?
Franz: Oh, you know, the usual. Actually I got a ticket the other day and now I’m caught up in this crazy bureaucratic mess trying to get it resolved. It’s frustrating.
Brad: That’s rough.
Franz: What about you?
Brad: Well, I’m secretly dating a very attractive actress.
Franz: Good for you!
Brad: Yeah, but it’s got its downside, too. Paparazzi follow us everywhere. You can never get away from them. It kind of makes you paranoid after a while. Do you know what I’m saying?
Franz: I think I do. Sometimes I worry about turning into a bug.
Brad: Huh. Well, anyway, I should be going. But I’m glad we did this.
Franz: Me too, Brad.
Posted by teb at 10:44 PM | Email this entry
July 16, 2005
What I learned from the orange flier stuck in my door
-- You can Capitalize pretty much Any Word you Want to regardless of where It Might Fall in a Sentence.
-- Multiple exclamation points are fine. But multiple exclamation points plus repetition is even better. Here's proof: “CONDOS !! CONDOS !!”
-- Everything Larry Perrin touches "Turns to SOLD !!"
-- If you’re wondering whether Larry Perrin sells condos in all shapes and sizes the answer is an emphatic: "YES."
-- Some basements have "party rooms."
-- John Kurz has recently joined the Larry Perrin team. Welcome, John.
-- "Summer has arrived!"
-- If you're not sure whether to underline a phrase, put it in italics, or type it in all-caps, why not follow Larry Perrin’s example and DO ALL THREE !!
Posted by teb at 12:20 AM | Email this entry
June 23, 2005
You may already be a wiener
From the Oscar Mayer website:
Tell us in 100 words or less how you'd use the Wienermobile for a day -- you could win the ride of your life and $5,000 to create the ride!
-- If I had the Wienermobile for a day, I would use it to create hot dog awareness. Many people think of hot dogs as something you eat only at baseball games or on the street in New York City. This is a myth. In fact, hot dogs can be eaten anywhere food is consumed. To dispel such widespread misconceptions, I would initiate an aggressive 24-hour campaign to inform and educate the hot dog-eating public.
-- The real question is “What wouldn’t I do if I had the Wienermobile for a day?” For starters, I wouldn’t sleep at all that day. I would just drive. Drive and drive. Man, what fun I would have. Driving in the Wienermoble. Think of it: Me in the Wienermobile. Just kicking back. Eating hot dogs. Wow. How great would that be?
-- If I had the Wienermobile for a day, I would be very careful with it. Other people might drive it really fast or throw a crazy tailgate party. Not me. I understand that having the Wienermobile for a day is a responsibility and I would treat the vehicle with respect. After all, this is Oscar Mayer’s corporate reputation that we’re talking about here. I would not do anything that might besmirch or otherwise damage the company’s image and/or stock price, such as driving it while bombed out of my mind on gin.
Posted by teb at 10:53 AM | Email this entry
June 19, 2005
Suggestions for artists
-- Paint a picture of fire. Burn it. Then use the ashes to spell the word "Regret."
-- Convince everyone you know that you've won the lottery. A week later, admit that it was a lie and apologize profusely. Then win the lottery for real but don't tell anyone.
-- Ask a stranger for his autograph. If he says yes, hand him a pen and a sheet of paper. After he's signed the paper, tear it up and walk away.
-- Shave off all your body hair and seal it in a Ziploc bag. Title the piece "Hair in Ziploc Bag."
-- Reenact the Kennedy assassination using dressed-up cats.
-- Slather your naked body in peanut butter and climb to the top of a radio tower with a megaphone. Shout "there's nothing to see here" over and over for several hours or until you get tired. Climb down and take a shower.
Posted by teb at 11:39 PM | Email this entry
May 28, 2005
Take that, comfort
From "The Writing Life," a feature in the Washington Post Book World, by novelist John Burdett:
"Get disoriented. Maybe your agonizing writer's block isn't agonizing enough. Your enemy is comfort."
I am writing today's entry from our basement. It is dark down here; in fact, I can barely see the keyboard. My padded chair has been replaced with a hard, unstable stool. Instead of black tea with milk I am drinking Mountain Dew from a dirty glass. I haven't showered for days. My skin itches. I am listening to the radio -- the best of the 80s, 90s, and today. My pants are a size too small. I have been subsisting entirely off of bologna and Cheeze-Its. Whenever I worry that I might be getting too comfortable I poke myself in the leg with a tack I keep nearby just for this purpose. I think it's working. It's hard to tell because I'm not wearing my glasses (helps with disorientation) so I can't actually read what I've written so far. But I'm willing to bet it's pretty darn good.
Also I've been practicing my intense, penetrating and slightly mysterious gaze. That'll come in handy when it's time for my jacket photo.
Posted by teb at 11:35 AM | Email this entry
May 16, 2005
The weekend to-do list: a postmortem
Consider buying a scanner for the computer, get confused about features and prices, leave store empty-handed.
Read New Yorker while reclining on couch. Fall asleep mid-article.
Start mowing lawn, get distracted, don’t finish.
Play snowboarding video game for several hours until the "mountain is conquered."
Check mail. Then remember that it doesn’t come on Sunday.
Consider disposing of wood and bricks stacked haphazardly in front of shed. Fail to do so.
Fill a bowl with grapes. Eat them.
Walk through living room. Realize entire house smells like dog. Shrug, keep walking.
Posted by teb at 08:26 AM | Email this entry
March 09, 2005
Russell Crowe vs. al Qaeda: The first 24 hours
From this morning's Washington Post:
Crowe says al Qaeda was behind a possible kidnapping plot in 2001 ... He warns that if kidnapped, he may be troublesome, not to mention quite the yakker. "Mate, if you want to kidnap me, you'd better bring a mouth gag," he says. "I'll be talking you out of your essential philosophies in the first 24 hours, son ..."
Russell Crowe: First, could you explain your essential philosophies to me?
Hardened al Qaeda Terrorist: Sure. We believe in the destruction of the United States, Israel, and pretty much everyone else who disagrees with us. You know -- kill the infidels, drink their blood, etc. Then we’d like to establish a worldwide theocracy based on our own extremely narrow and perverted interpretation of Islam. And ... well, that’s the meat of it right there. Oh yeah, and the subjugation of women. We’re totally into that.
Russell Crowe: Interesting. Have you seen Gladiator?
Hardened al Qaeda Terrorist: Can’t say that I have. I should have mentioned that we reject the culture of the Great Whore. Besides, I heard it was only so-so.
Russell Crowe: The Great Whore?
Hardened al Qaeda Terrorist: Oh, sorry. That’s terrorist talk for the United States. I guess that’s too inside baseball.
Russell Crowe: No problem. What I was going to say is there’s this one speech that I give in there about Rome. In some ways, Rome is a metaphor. Do you know what I mean?
Hardened al Qaeda Terrorist: Not really. But I’m listening.
Russell Crowe: Okay, let’s scrap that. Have you seen A Beautiful Mind?
Hardened al Qaeda Terrorist: Again, no ...
Russell Crowe: That’s right. The Great Whore thing. Well, in that movie my character is a genius who struggles with mental illness. But in the end he triumphs because of the power of love.
Hardened al Qaeda Terrorist: I see. What was it like working with Ron Howard?
Russell Crowe: It was great. He gives you a lot of space. But not too much space, you know? He’s there for you if you want to discuss something but he’s not one of these directors who’s constantly telling you what to feel.
Hardened al Qaeda Terrorist: Have you ever thought about directing?
Russell Crowe: I think every actor does. And my time will come. But right now I’m focused on the craft of acting. And of course my rock band.
Hardened al Qaeda Terrorist: How’s that going?
Russell Crowe: Really well. A lot of people think "Oh, this is just an ego trip for Russell. He’s yet another actor who thinks he can sing." But music has always been a part of my life.
Hardened al Qaeda Terrorist: Well, thanks for being with us.
Russell Crowe: I didn’t have a choice. You kidnapped me.
Hardened al Qaeda Terrorist: I know. It’s just something people say. I’m going to go out and chat with the other terrorists now. I’ll be back later with some bread and gruel.
Russell Crowe: Okay. By the way, is the gruel organic?
Hardened al Qaeda Terrorist: I don’t know. I’ll ask.
Russell Crowe: Great. Thanks.
Posted by teb at 10:00 AM | Email this entry