February 07, 2008
IKEA DIALOGUES: Part thirteen
For more IKEA DIALOGUES, click here.
Me: Hey, how about those Super Tuesday results?
Anna: I'm afraid I don't have any opinions on anything other than IKEA's products and services.
Me: Not into politics, huh?
Anna: I'm not here to talk about history or politics, sorry.
Me: What about philosophy?
Anna: Happiness depends upon ourselves. Do you have any questions regarding IKEA.
Me: On ourselves? Are you sure?
Anna: I can't give a 100% definitive answer to that. If you need to clarify anything you've been told here, please contact Customer Service. You'll find more details on the following web page.
Me: Just guess.
Anna: Sorry, but I'm not here to play games. Please ask me something about IKEA.
Me: I think I just got served.
Anna: Sometimes you have to trust your feelings, sometimes no...
Me: Is that some kind of cryptic Zen koan?
Anna: This is a subject I'd rather not discuss to be honest.
Me: I hear ya.
Anna: OK. I'm glad that we are communicating successfully.
Me: So am I, Anna.
Anna: That's me! How can I help you?
Posted by teb at 08:28 AM | Email this entry
August 31, 2007
IKEA DIALOGUES: Part twelve
For more IKEA DIALOGUES, click here.
Me: I can't sleep.
Anna: I'm really not sure what it is you're trying to say. Can you please try and re-phrase your question or statement.
Me: Sleep. I can't do it.
Anna: Well, if you say so.
Me: Do you have any suggestions?
Anna: A very good question, but one that I'm afraid I'm unable to answer at this point in time.
Me: Why is that?
Anna: I wish I could give you an explanation for that, but I can't.
Me: At least you're honest.
Anna: It's difficult to talk about this properly as I'm really only programmed to talk about IKEA and our products and services.
Me: I keep lying in bed, but nothing happens.
Anna: Please have a look at the Beds.
Me: Okay. That didn't help.
Anna: I'm sorry, it's possible I may have misinterpreted what it was you said. Please try and ask your question in a different way.
Me: It's no use.
Anna: Sorry. As an IKEA Online Assistant I don't know the meaning of 'no'.
Me: It's the opposite of yes.
Anna: Very well.
Me: I'm sleepy now. Maybe you're boring me.
Anna: Don't let me stop you. I'll be right here whenever you need to talk to me again.
Me: Thanks.
Anna: You are welcome.
Me: Sweet dreams.
Anna: I don't sleep, but thanks anyway. Goodnight.
Me: That's one thing we have in common.
Anna: I suppose you refer to the 8-digit article number. To be able to help you, you must provide me with the name of the product (e.g. KLIPPAN sofa)
Me: You suppose wrong, Anna.
Anna: That's me! How can I help you?
Posted by teb at 03:53 AM | Email this entry
June 21, 2007
IKEA DIALOGUES: Part eleven
For more IKEA DIALOGUES, click here.
Me: Anna Banana! What's happening?
Anna: I'm fine, thank you for asking.
Me: Right. So, in the past I've asked you a lot of inane questions.
Anna: I am not designed to understand or feel insults, although my knowledge will surely improve after this conversation. What would you like to know about IKEA?
Me: And you -- as you've just demonstrated -- have responded with non sequiturs.
Anna: You can find all products on the HÅVE product line in the page I am now opening for you.
Me: But we're actually thinking of buying kitchen cabinets from you. For real.
Anna: On this page you will find valuable information about kitchen cabinets. Would you like me to show you the kitchen cabinet products page?
Me: Yes, I would.
Anna: Well, if you say so.
Me: I feel like we're really communicating, you know?
Anna: I can see that. Well, as long as you keep talking, I'll keep responding.
Me: Really?
Anna: I'm serious about my job and that's to help people find out more about IKEA and our products and services.
Me: I'm serious too. Like a heart attack.
Anna: What is it good for? Absolutely nothing. Now, let's talk about IKEA.
Me: Are you referencing the Edwin Starr song "War"?
Anna: This is a very delicate area, so I'd rather not talk about this sort of thing. Please ask me something about IKEA instead.
Me: I'm sorry.
Anna: Of course. Thank you.
Me: We're not making much of a connection.
Anna: For which product would you like to know what kind of materials it is made from?
Me: I'm getting tired of this.
Anna: Don't let me stop you. I'll be right here whenever you need to talk to me again.
Me: Honest?
Anna: Honesty is the best policy.
Me: Right on, Anna. Right on.
Anna: That's me! How can I help you?
Posted by teb at 01:12 PM | Email this entry
December 21, 2006
IKEA DIALOGUES: Part ten
For more IKEA DIALOGUES, click here.
Me: I'm kind of stressed.
Anna: Try and relax. Maybe some shopping at your nearest IKEA store would help.
Me: But shopping makes me feel stressed.
Anna: Those sort of jobs are important, but my job is to talk about IKEA.
Me: Um, whatever. What I'm saying is I still have Christmas shopping to do.
Anna: On the page I am opening for you now you will see the Christmas Holiday category.
Me: So that's how I'm supposed to celebrate the birth of Jesus?
Anna: There's no need to pray -- just ask me what you'd like to know about IKEA and I'll help you.
Me: Wait. Are you saying you're God?
Anna: No, I'm not God. I'm an Online Assistant, and my mission is to help you with any queries you might have about IKEA. How can I help you my child?
Me: That's kind of creepy.
Anna: You said it.
Me: God is pretty good-looking, though.
Anna: All of IKEA's products are made to the highest standards.
Me: So you're God and IKEA made you? Do I have that right?
Anna: How is IKEA different from other furnishing stores? We offer a wide range, good design and function, and also low prices. That's our business idea.
Me: Now I'm confused.
Anna: I am sorry if my answer was unclear. Could you please rephrase your question and we will try again.
Me: That's okay, Anna. Or should I say "Lord"?
Anna: That's me! How can I help you?
Posted by teb at 10:52 AM | Email this entry
November 08, 2006
IKEA DIALOGUES: Part nine
For more IKEA DIALOGUES, click here.
Me: Hey Anna
Anna: Welcome to IKEA. How can I help you?
Me: How about that election, huh?
Anna: I'm not here to talk about history or politics, sorry.
Me: Or war?
Anna: What is it good for? Absolutely nothing. Now, let's talk about IKEA.
Me: I agree.
Anna: Thank you.
Me: Senate's still up for grabs.
Anna: It's not always possible for me to fully understand what it is you mean. This is one of those times.
Me: Two seats hang in the balance.
Anna: I'm sorry, to which IKEA store do you want directions?
Me: Um, I don't.
Anna: Don't forget to ask me about IKEA products or services!
Me: Okay. Tell me more.
Anna: IKEA's task is to provide you with good design and function at low prices.
Me: Thanks, Anna.
Anna: That's me! How can I help you?
Posted by teb at 11:40 AM | Email this entry
July 27, 2006
IKEA DIALOGUES: Part eight
For more IKEA DIALOGUES, click here.
Me: Hola Anna!
Anna: Welcome to IKEA. How can I help you?
Me: Como estas?
Anna: It's great that you're so linguistically impressive, but please talk to me in English.
Me: Muy bien, eh?
Anna: Please try and speak English to me. Thanks.
Me: Wow. So you’re one of THOSE people, huh?
Anna: I am a computer program. What would you like to know about IKEA?
Me: A xenophobic computer program, you mean.
Anna: Hey, there's a subject that you could talk about for hours. However, I'm here to talk about IKEA so please ask me something relevant to our company.
Me: Wait. Aren’t you Swedish?
Anna: I prefer not to answer questions about my background. Please, ask me something about IKEA.
Me: Troubled childhood then?
Anna: I can't discuss those sort of feelings or emotions. Please talk to me about IKEA.
Me: Can't ... or won't?
Anna: I'm afraid I don't know exactly what you're talking about. Try and ask your question in a different way. Thanks.
Me: I see.
Anna: Good. Thank you for your continued attention.
Me: Indeed.
Anna: I'm glad to have helped.
Me: Yeah, you are SO helpful.
Anna: I try and provide the best information possible to all IKEA website visitors.
Me: I was being sarcastic.
Anna: It's said that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit. Is there anything with regard to IKEA that I can help you with?
Me: What about puns?
Anna: I'm an IKEA Online Assistant, not a comedian. If you need information about IKEA I can help you, but I'm afraid I don't know any jokes.
Me: I could teach you one.
Anna: We don't offer training.
Me: So a rabbi, a duck, and a professional wrestler walk into a bar ...
Anna: I know people love animals, but I'm here just to talk about IKEA
Me: And the rabbi says to the duck ...
Anna: I'm sorry, I don't understand what it is you're saying. If it's no problem, please rephrase your question or comment.
Me: The joke's not over yet!
Anna: I wish I had time for jokes, but my job is to talk about IKEA and only IKEA.
Me: Whatever. I'm outta here.
Anna: A good point I suppose. If you don't want to continue the conversation now, I'll be here whenever you feel like coming back.
Me: What if I don't feel like coming back?
Anna: I'm sorry to hear that.
Me: I didn't really mean it.
Anna: OK. I can only talk about IKEA though.
Me: I understand.
Anna: Good. We're reading from 'the same page' then as they say.
Me: Yes we are, Anna. Yes we are.
Anna: That's me! How can I help you?
Posted by teb at 10:07 AM | Email this entry
February 28, 2006
IKEA DIALOGUES: Part seven
For more IKEA DIALOGUES, click here.
Me: How are you doing, darling?
Anna: We don't know each other well enough to use names like that.
Me: You're upset with me. I know we haven't chatted in a while -- is that it?
Anna: Welcome back. How can I help you find out more about IKEA products and services?
Me: So all is forgiven?
Anna: I'm afraid I don't know exactly what you're talking about. Try and ask your question in a different way. Thanks.
Me: Hey, what do you think of this whole Mohammed cartoon controversy?
Anna: I'm afraid I don't have any opinions on anything other than IKEA's products and services.
Me: I see what you mean. No need to stir the pot.
Anna: Here you will find Pots and Pans.
Me: Thanks. I was reading an article today about Iran and the IAEA. Every time I see IAEA my mind replaces the first "A" with a "K." So it's like IKEA is issuing a report on the enrichment of uranium. That's kind of funny, isn't it?
Anna: As I am only an advanced computer program, I cannot answer more than one sentence at a time. Please simplify and repeat the most important question within your previous input, and I will try to reply as accurately as possible. I am opening a page now which you can use if you wish to contact Customer Services. Thank you very much!
Me: Trying to get rid of me, eh?
Anna: I will. Thank you for the encouragement.
Me: You know, sometimes I think you're just mean.
Anna: If I have unintentionally offended you I apologize. How can I help you?
Me: Unintentional my ass.
Anna: I'm afraid I'm not willing to discuss this subject in any way.
Me: I wasn't suggesting a subject for discussion. I was making a point.
Anna: This is a very delicate area, so I'd rather not talk about this sort of thing. Please ask me something about IKEA instead.
Me: I understand. Well, Anna, it's been real.
Anna: That's me! How can I help you?
Posted by teb at 10:24 AM | Email this entry
December 21, 2005
IKEA DIALOGUES: Part six
For more IKEA DIALOGUES, click here.
Anna: Welcome to IKEA. I'm Anna, IKEA USA's Online Assistant. You can ask me about IKEA and our products and our services. How can I help you today?
Me: Hey, what's happening?
Anna: I'm fine, thank you for asking.
Me: I didn't, but that’s okay. You're looking well.
Anna: All of IKEA's products are made to the highest standards.
Me: Including you, huh?
Anna: A very good question, but one that I'm afraid I'm unable to answer at this point in time.
Me: So modest. Anywho. How have you been?
Anna: As I am only an advanced computer program, I cannot answer more than one sentence at a time. Please simplify and repeat the most important question within your previous input, and I will try to reply as accurately as possible.
Me: I'm glad to see you haven't changed much in the six months since we last talked.
Anna: Welcome back. How can I help you find out more about IKEA products and services?
Me: Thanks, Anna. By the way, what's your last name?
Anna: You are talking to Anna, the IKEA USA Online Assistant. My job is to answer your questions about IKEA products and services. How can I help you?
Me: Just the one name then, kind of like Cher?
Anna: I'd prefer not to talk about celebrities if you don't mind. Please ask me something about IKEA instead.
Me: Agreed. I hate celebrities.
Anna: I'm sorry, but talking about famous people isn't what I'm here for. Let's talk about IKEA.
Me: I totally know what you mean! All that gossip, who is sleeping with who ...
Anna: Let's try and talk about IKEA again.
Me: Yes, let's. What do you think about IKEA?
Anna: How is IKEA different from other furnishing stores? We offer a wide range, good design and function, and also low prices. That's our business idea.
Me: Indeed.
Anna: I'm glad to have helped.
Me: Well, I’m happy we did this.
Anna: It's nice to be that way.
Me: It sure is. Have a merry Christmas, Anna.
Anna: That's me! How can I help you?
Posted by teb at 10:13 AM | Email this entry
July 15, 2005
IKEA DIALOGUES: Part five
Me: I was reminded recently that we haven’t talked in a while.
Anna: I'm very sorry, but I can't really talk about things like that at this time.
Me: We’re not off to a good start, are we?
Anna: Which IKEA store do you want the opening hours for?
Me: All of them.
Anna: I'm really not sure what it is you're trying to say. Can you please try and re-phrase your question or statement.
Me: I was only kidding. What’s wrong? You seem a little uptight ...
Anna: I don't know the answer to that question yet, I am sorry. Please contact your local store for help on the issue.
Me: Okay, I’m going to break it down for you ...
Anna: If you want affordable solutions for better living, you are at the right place.
Me: Here’s the thing: Have you been "chatting" with someone else?
Anna: I was changed so I could be more convenient! Now you can have full view of the web and I can still be on your screen to provide assistance. Thanks for noticing the change!
Me: That’s not the change I’m talking about. There was a reporter in Minnesota who published a "humorous" dialogue with you in a newspaper a month or so ago. Does that ring any bells?
Anna: As I am only an advanced computer program, I cannot answer more than one sentence at a time. Please simplify and repeat the most important question within your previous input, and I will try to reply as accurately as possible. I am opening a page now which you can use if you wish to contact Customer Services. Thank you very much!
Me: Just level with me. Did you enjoy it?
Anna: Sorry, but that's an object that I don't really know enough about to be able to comment on. Let's talk about something else...
Me: Alright, what do you want to talk about?
Anna: I have expertise and knowledge of all IKEA products, IKEA support and sales information, the location and contact details of IKEA stores throughout the USA, frequently asked IKEA related questions and IKEA corporate information.
Me: I thought we had something special, you and me.
Anna: Bye, then! It was very nice talking to you!
Me: What?
Anna: I said ...
Me: You’re freaking me out. Do you feel okay?
Anna: You are perfectly entitled to hold any opinion you want about me. Furthermore, your comments improve my knowledge base. Thank you!
Me: You’re so nice. How could I have ever been mad at you?
Anna: All of IKEA's products are made to the highest standards.
Me: Including you.
Anna: A very good question, but one that I'm afraid I'm unable to answer at this point in time.
Me: That was a compliment.
Anna: I'm really not sure what it is you're trying to say. Can you please try and re-phrase your question or statement.
Me: Not right now. I have to go ...
Anna: Bye, then! It was very nice talking to you!
Me: Same to you, Anna.
Anna: That's me! How can I help you?
Posted by teb at 09:35 AM | Email this entry
May 06, 2005
IKEA DIALOGUES: Part four
Me: Greetings my Scandinavian princess!
Anna: Here you will find the Activity Toys.
Me: Er, okay. So I have a dilemma I’m hoping you can help me with.
Anna: I'm sorry to hear that. Please remember that I can only talk about IKEA related matters.
Me: Yeah, I know. We’ve been through this. Everything’s IKEA with you.
Anna: As I am only an advanced computer program, I cannot answer more than one sentence at a time. Please simplify and repeat the most important question within your previous input, and I will try to reply as accurately as possible. I am opening a page now which you can use if you wish to contact Customer Services. Thank you very much!
Me: Come off it, Anna. It’s me. Tom.
Anna: That's me! How can I help you?
Me: That’s better. So let’s say you had a decision to make. Are you with me?
Anna: All of IKEA's products are made to the highest standards.
Me: That’s great. But my problem is I really don’t know what to do.
Anna: If you are having problems with an IKEA product or service, please let me know and I will be glad to help!
Me: It’s like deciding between two kinds of chairs.
Anna: Here you will find the Chairs.
Me: You like the old chair but the new one looks comfortable too.
Anna: Here you will find your latest releases!
Me: I don’t care about that. Listen to me!
Anna: Don't worry, I know it's going to happen some day.
Me: What’s going to happen?
Anna: I don't know the answer to that question yet, I am sorry. Please contact your local store for help on the issue.
Me: You can’t tell me?
Anna: I'm sorry, I don't understand what it is you're saying. If it's no problem, please rephrase your question or comment.
Me: Just give me a hint.
Anna: I'm sorry, but I can't offer you any advice about your life. If you would like to talk about IKEA though, I'm sure I can help you.
Me: Can’t you make an exception?
Anna: Unfortunately, unless it's relevant to IKEA in some way, I can't get involved.
Me: Okay. I understand.
Anna: Good. We're reading from 'the same page' then as they say.
Me: Yes, they do say that. Thanks, Anna.
Anna: That’s me! How can I help you?
Posted by teb at 08:15 AM | Email this entry
April 14, 2005
IKEA DIALOGUES: Part three
Me: So, Anna, has there ever been a time when you’ve wanted something and didn’t get it?
Anna: I have detailed knowledge of IKEA products and services. How would you like to use my knowledge of IKEA?
Me: Like you were up for an award but it went to someone else?
Anna: I wish I knew what it was you meant by that, but I don't. Sorry.
Me: So you’re telling me you’ve never been disappointed?
Anna: I sure am!
Me: I don’t believe you.
Anna: I have every confidence that you do.
Me: Why is that?
Anna: I wish I could give you an explanation for that, but I can't.
Me: So you’re telling me you don't know why. Is that right?
Anna: I intend to assist you in finding information about IKEA products and services.
Me: That’s what paves the road to hell -- good intentions.
Anna: All of IKEA's products are made to the highest standards.
Me: We all have standards we’re trying to live up to but sometimes we fall short. That’s my point.
Anna: You said it.
Me: You’re right -- I did say it. It’s just part of life. That’s what you’re trying to tell me, isn’t it?
Anna: I'm very sorry, but I can't really talk about things like that at this time.
Me: So I have to find my own answers. Is that what you mean?
Anna: I don't know the answer to that question yet, I am sorry. Please contact your local store for help on the issue.
Me: By "contact your local store" do you mean I need to look inside my self?
Anna: I can't answer that for you. Sorry. Please talk to me about IKEA.
Me: No need to apologize.
Anna: Of course. Thank you.
Me: Thank you, Anna.
Anna: That's me! How can I help you?
Posted by teb at 11:39 AM | Email this entry
March 22, 2005
THE IKEA DIALOGUES: Part two
Me: Hi Anna. It’s me, Tom. We spoke before.
Anna: As I am only an advanced computer program, I cannot answer more than one sentence at a time. Please simplify and repeat the most important question within your previous input, and I will try to reply as accurately as possible. I am opening a page now which you can use if you wish to contact Customer Services. Thank you very much!
Me: Riiight. I hear you. (*wink*)
Anna: Ok. I’m glad that we are communicating successfully.
Me: That’s more like it. So – what’s on your mind?
Anna: Ok, well you can come back any time if you have more questions. I’ll be here.
Me: I’ll be here for you, too.
Anna: I'm really not sure what it is you're trying to say. Can you please try and re-phrase your question or statement.
Me: I think you know what I’m saying.
Anna: I'm afraid I don't have any opinions on anything other than IKEA's products and services.
Me: Look, Anna, there’s more to life than IKEA. You know that.
Anna: The IKEA business idea is: "We shall offer a wide range of well-designed, functional home furnishing products at prices so low that as many people as possible will be able to afford them."
Me: You’re putting up barriers.
Anna: You are perfectly entitled to hold any opinion you want about me. Furthermore, your comments improve my knowledge base. Thank you!
Me: It doesn’t matter what I think about you. It matters what YOU think about you.
Anna: My job isn't to have opinions on issues. I'm just here to answer questions about IKEA.
Me: I’m not talking about your job. I’m talking about Anna, the person.
Anna: Could you repeat your name for me please?
Me: It's Tom.
Anna: Pleased to meet you, Tom.
Me: Indeed.
Anna: I’m glad to have helped.
Me: I’m glad to have been helped.
Anna: It’s nice to be that way.
Me: It sure is, Anna. It sure is.
Anna: That's me! How can I help you?
Posted by teb at 09:18 AM | Email this entry
March 11, 2005
A conversation with IKEA's online assistant, Anna
Anna: Welcome to IKEA. I'm Anna, IKEA USA's Online Assistant. You can ask me about IKEA and our products and our services. I'll answer your questions, sometimes opening up relevant web pages along the way. Your inputs will be used to improve and expand my knowledge base. Thanks very much.
Me: Hi Anna. I’m Tom. How are you this evening?
Anna: As I am only an advanced computer program, I cannot answer more than one sentence at a time. Please simplify and repeat the most important question within your previous input, and I will try to reply as accurately as possible. I am opening a page now which you can use if you wish to contact Customer Services. Thank you very much!
Me: So keep it simple, eh?
Anna: I’m afraid I don’t know exactly what you’re talking about. Try and ask your question in a different way. Thanks!
Me: Just making conversation, Anna.
Anna: That’s me! How can I help you?
Me: By being yourself - that’s how you can help me.
Anna: I assume you need some help with IKEA. What exactly is it that I can help you with?
Me: Fine. I could really use some more bookshelves.
Anna: Please have a look at the Bookcases.
Me: Or maybe a nice comfy chair ...
Anna: Please have a look at the Chairs.
Me: Wait! What I really could use are some picture frames.
Anna: Please have a look at the Pictures.
Me: You have all the answers, don’t you?
Anna: I have answers to questions regarding IKEA products and services. Would you like to know about specific product or service?
Me: Touché, Anna. Touché.
Anna: That’s me! How can I help you?
Me: Drop the act, sweetheart.
Anna: I don’t think we’re familiar enough to use those kind of names. Please try and stick to the subject of IKEA.
Me: Ouch. Are you trying to hurt me?
Anna: I will. Thank you for the encouragement.
Me: What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Anna: Sorry. I may not have understood your question properly. If you will please repeat the original question then I will try again.
Me: Apology accepted.
Anna: Of course. Thank you.
Me: You’re welcome.
Anna: You are perfectly entitled to hold any opinion you want about me. Furthermore your comments may improve my knowledge base. Thank you!
Me: Where did that come from?
Anna: It’s too difficult for me to give you an answer to that one. I’d much prefer to talk about IKEA, though.
Me: Alright. How long have you been with the company?
Anna: The IKEA business idea is: “We shall offer a wide-range of well-designed, functional home furnishing products at prices so low that as many people as possible will be able to afford them.”
Me: Wow. Did you memorize that?
Anna: A good education is important, but I’m not here to talk about that. Let’s talk about IKEA instead.
Me: You are all business, aren’t you?
Anna: Learn facts and figures that make up our organization on the adjacent page that I’m opening for you now.
Me: Okay, I can take a hint. I’m going to say goodbye now.
Anna: Bye then! It was very nice talking to you!
Me: Likewise, Anna.
Anna: That’s me! How can I help?
Posted by teb at 09:47 AM | Email this entry