-- Pie

-- Tart

-- Fritter

CONS:

-- Juice

-- Jelly

-- Sauce

-- Listening to Belle and Sebastian again. Not exactly a man's man, is he?

-- What's that smell? Bananas? Aftershave? Both?

-- Seriously, whose legs are this short?

-- Yeah, thanks for dollar tip, hot shot.

John A. "Junior" Gotti has been arrested on charges linking him to three New York murders, a law enforcement official said Tuesday.

You don't want one of those "I'm definitely guilty" names.

-- From the Boston Globe:

Barack Obama and John McCain continue to hammer each other today on energy policy, both knowing that high gas prices have the attention of voters.

Pausing only to refuel their enormous planes.

-- From the NY Times:

McCain Woos Bikers

Meanwhile, Obama is trying to lock down the all-important skater vote.

Break iPod headphones. Wonder how I'll survive without content being pumped into my ears at all times.

Finish installing kitchen back splash. That only took me, oh, six months.

Read this article about trolls. I prefer the under-the-bridge kind.

Kill six mosquitos in laundry room WITH BARE HANDS.

Whatever works for you, man.

-- "tom bartlett home improvement"

My home does need improving ...

-- "are febreze noticeables safe for children"

They're the perfect snack!

-- "ikea ask anna feature is bogus live help"

Hold on -- she's not real?

-- "computer game i'm dying of starvation i'm bloated"

New for the PS3!

-- "as sad as a"

half-finished thought.

-- "i know my shapes."

Stop bragging.

-- "french bistro table dog clip art"

It starts out sophisticated, and then becomes less so.

-- "how to kill a sick man"

Wait.

China Angered by Lobbying on Rights

Yeah, basic human rights make me mad, too.

-- From the AP:

McCain camp compares Obama to Spears, Hilton

I'm surprised they didn't compare him to Rita Hayworth and Vivien Leigh.

-- Also from the AP:

McCain campaign accuses Obama of playing race card

They added that comparing him to two young white women was just a coincidence.

What?

Twig crayons: $150

[baffled look]

Baby unicorn gift basket: $110

No!

Sterling silver bubble wand: $198

You. are. kidding. me.

Personalized keepsake school bear: $240

$%&$-A

Then -- can it be? Yes! -- a Seven-Eleven, the convenience store that has been the salvation of many an overly hydrated traveler. You park and hurriedly walk in, certain that your prayers have been answered, that all will soon be right with the world. That is, until you see the sign, Sharpie-on-paper, affixed with tape to the Employees Only swinging door: "No Public Restrooms."

It is then that you realize: there is no God.

Spend hour looking at listings for houses I can't afford, i.e., real-estate porn.

Bask

Successfully use new ice-cream maker. Successfully eat the results.

Be amused that, when he soils himself, Henry will sometimes call out: "Fresh diaper please!"

Hole in Fuselage Forces Qantas Jet to Land

Yeah, that'll do it.

-- From Fox News:

McCain Ignored by Mainstream Press?

Asks mainstream press.

-- From the AP:

Catholics to pope: Lift the birth control ban

Pope to Catholics: Nah.

-- "You hear that beeping? That's not good."

-- "If someone wanted to cut your telephone line, this is where they'd cut it."

-- "Basically, this code 94 -- actually, I'm not sure what that is."

-- George Foreman has a line of men's briefs.

So far the baby – if that is still the correct term for the small, bipedal being who sometimes “pets” me by vigorously tugging my ears – has proven of limited use. He cannot, for example, open the pull-tab on a can of ALPO Beef Selects. Or take me to the park. Or do much else of interest.

But he can, as it turns out, open the backyard gate. I learned this recently when he, of his own accord, flipped the latch, permitting me to dash out, down the driveway and across the street where -- surprised by my sudden freedom -- I happily peed.

Of course I returned. And now that this security flaw has been exposed it will no doubt be remedied. Still, it’s nice to have an ally.

Eat too many homemade chocolate-chip cookies. And by "too many" I mean "not enough."

Watch Tom Brokaw grill Al Gore for seemingly no reason.

Have last numeral of age change from "3" to "4"

Get hair cut by stylist named Gloretta who tells me she "can't stand indecisive people." Fortunately, I know what I want, hair-wise.

Hi, honey, what would you like?

Hey, what are we having?

Can I take your order?

What do you want?

What?

[vacant stare]