Minor Tweaks

Questions I'm tempted to ask the librarians at the Library of Congress

-- Do you have any GOOD books?

-- Do you serve coffee?

-- Where do you keep the Cliff's Notes?

-- Can I tear out the pages I need?

-- Would you read this to me, please?

I Will Now Reveal the Contents of my Wallet

-- Business card of someone I don't remember meeting.

-- Gift card that I used six months ago.

-- Chop't frequent chop'r card. Five more salads and I get pie.

-- Dog-eared and totally illegible insurance card that can be presented to medical personnel in the event of an emergency.

-- Twelve dollars. In cash. Oh yeah.

PROS and CONS: Rocks

PROS:

-- Hard

-- Plentiful

-- Fun to throw

CONS:

-- Candy

-- Operas

-- Fall on your head

The weekend to-do list: A postmortem

~~Overhear 26-year-old girl tell guy that she's getting sooo olllld. I shake my arthritic fist at you youngsters.~~

~~Finish book while on bus trip. Be forced to think own thoughts.~~

~~Pay $3.75 for smallish bottle of Fiji water. Should come with trip to island.~~

~~Desiccate.~~

~~Watch entire episode of "The Jonas Brothers." Survive.~~

Advice given and assertions made by the guy yelling on the metro yesterday

-- We're all going to die eventually.

-- It's hot outside.

-- You should read the Bible.

-- Bridges are unreliable.

-- Don't eat pork.

-- Michael Jackson was an amazing performer.

-- It's good to boil pinto beans.

I am typing thid entry on my skmall buttone d treo

ahm, the convenoence of using your phone to type. Jsyt like hacing a computer in our pocket. What an amaxing gift I technology us. Rather than being forcfed to sit down at a big desktip or eveb open a laptopm, one just needs to reach for one's phone, cluck it om, and begin to compose. As I'll list the manymany upsides of writng on a amll buttoned cell phone I cannot thing of a single drawbakc no matte how hard I ponder. It is perfext in every single eay.

Reasons I took the bus this morning that have nothing to do with the horrible, tragic metro crash that happened earlier this week

-- I prefer the bumpy, old-fashioned ride.

-- I enjoy the intellectually stimulating repartee with my fellow bus riders.

-- Provides an opportunity to build up my immune system.

-- Low-cost tour of urban blight.

-- Longer commute means more time for staring straight ahead blankly.

News

-- From The Christian Science Monitor:

Sanford disappears to hike Appalachian Trail on Naked Hiking Day

Sanford 2012!

-- From U.S. News:

Obama Announces $80 Billion Pharma Deal

Will include special discount on Nicoderm.

-- From MSNBC:

McMahon was a one-of-a-kind second banana

You are correct, sir.

The weekend to-do list: A postmortem

~~Watch this a half-dozen times. John Hodgman = deadpan genius.~~

~~Find ant drowned in honey. Flew too close to the sun, eh my little friend?~~

~~Decide that Fireman Sam's video "Hero Next Door" is not his best work.~~

~~Sweat.~~

~~Put together large IKEA shelving unit with help of instruction-reading sibling. So. Many. Dowels.~~

A beautiful poem

old lady in a Buick
going the wrong way
in a parking lot

don't blame me
because you're old
and going the wrong way
in a parking lot

because I didn't paint
those arrows
and I didn't make
you old

blame painters
for the arrows
and God
for everything
else

Awesome Book Ideas I’ve Had Lately

Pass the Ketchup: A Guide to Mediocre Cooking

Aargh: A Treasury of Well-Known Grunts

The Back of My Hand: Parenting a Difficult Child

Step Right Up: A Social History of Stairs

Again Again: Unlocking the Power of Redundancy

I WILL NOW WRITE IN ALL CAPS FOR NO REASON

THE THING ABOUT WRITING IN ALL CAPS IS THAT, EVEN IF YOU’RE WRITING SOMETHING MEANINGLESS AND MUNDANE, IT STILL SEEMS OBNOXIOUS AND OVERBLOWN. FOR INSTANCE, I COULD SAY:

THE STREAM FLOWS GENTLY INTO THE SEA.

SEE WHAT I MEAN? IT’S LIKE I’M SWEARING AT YOU. OR I COULD SAY:

BABIES ARE PRECIOUS GIFTS.

I MIGHT AS WELL BE BURNING THE FLAG. IT’S ALSO A SIGN THAT THE WRITER IS NUTS. YOU CAN MAKE A REASONABLE STATEMENT SUCH AS:

A HEALTHY BREAKFAST IS A GREAT START TO YOUR DAY.

YET SOMEHOW IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU JUST EXPLAINED HOW THE WORLD IS SECRETLY CONTROLLED BY ELVES. WHICH IT IS. TINY ELVES IN TINY, GREEN FELT SHOES.

The News

-- From BBC News:

Anti-cancer cream fights wrinkles

Glad it does something useful.

-- From Politico:

Barack Obama and the White House woo The New York Times

It's gotta be for love not money.

-- From ABC News:

You're Fired! CIA Axes $1000-A-Day Waterboarding Experts

Freelance waterboarders available.

The weekend to-do list: A postmortem

~~Pet miniature donkey at zoo. Not a euphemism.~~

~~Purchase two huge chocolate-chip cookies at bakery for … the kid. Yeah, the kid.~~

~~Find strawberry in pocket of jeans stuffed in backpack. Add a little whipped cream and it's fine.~~

~~Oscillate.~~

~~Obsess over cell-phone purchase. Wonder if tin can and string has a data plan.~~

Conversation with two-and-a-half-year-old

Father of two-and-a-half-year-old: What's that?

Two-and-a-half-year-old: The train.

FOTHYO: Who takes the train?

THYO: You do.

FOTHYO: Where do I go?

THYO: The office.

FOTHYO: What do I do at the office?

THYO: You ride the hump of a goat.

FOTHYO: Really?

THYO: Yes.

FOTHYO: Okay.

THYO: You eat skinny carrots.